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One month ago, I had promised the rest of my life to my one true love, the only man I have ever loved or ever will love.

One month ago, I had hope, and happiness, and love, and an amazing man who loved me back.

Now, I have nothing.

I have no Joe.

I have no hope for Joe to return.

And I love him, dammit, I still love him. I promised to love him for the rest of our lives, and I wasn't lying. He's hurting me so much, and I can't stop loving him, hoping for him to come back even when there is no hope.

I had my one shot at love. And now, in less than two years, it's been taken from me. The most important person in my life doesn't care about me anymore, when a month ago, he said he wanted to marry me and love me forever.

He taught me what happiness was. And he taught me what love was. And now, he has taught me what true pain is like, the worst pain imaginable, the pain of having the love of your life turn his back on you, like you're dead to him.

My life is hell.

I waited 26 years for love. And now, it's gone, just like that, cruelly jerked away. And that's it.

A month ago, I faced a life of happiness, a life filled with joys and with challenges, too, but challenges we'd take on together. A month ago, I looked forward with hope to what each new day would bring as the girlfriend of a wonderful man.

Now, I am broken, my heart crushed into tiny pieces, my only love gone forever, facing a life of pain and loneliness, knowing now what it's like to be happy and in love and loved in return, but knowing that I'll never, ever have any of that again.

I hate my life. How can I face it, knowing that I'll never be happy again, knowing that it's going to stretch out before me just like this, painful and meaningless?

I honestly wish I would die.

Day 13: Thick as bricks

I hope I'm starting to turn the corner, that last night and this morning were rock bottom. I'm not sure if I can believe that yet, 'cause I've been cycling back and forth a lot lately, between wails of tearful anguish and a calm, neutral state of "he'll realize someday that he was an idiot for leaving me." But I haven't cried in about five hours. That's a start.

Maybe I've found a brick. Just one brick is all I need to start putting my wall back together, start protecting myself so nobody can hurt me like he did. I let him break my wall down, let him chip away at it until I trusted him completely, with my heart, with my soul, with my deepest thoughts, with my life. I learned to trust him, and in the end, he stabbed me in the heart.

I still don't know if it was right or wrong in the first place, deciding to try out the relationship thing when I had the chance. It was all I wanted, and I learned what a lot of feelings are like that I didn't know. Those were the happiest times of my life, without a doubt. I didn't really know what love was like, and then I did. And I even started to feel good about myself, like I must be worth something to attract a great guy like him, like maybe when he said I was pretty, or smart, or what have you, all these things I didn't see, well, he saw them, and maybe I could try to see them, too. Maybe I was worth loving, after all.

But in the end, I gave him everything, and he threw it away. I don't mean stuff -- I gave him my heart, my trust, limitless love and constant support, no matter what, through the hard times, even when he was really, really mean to me, 'cause I knew he didn't really mean it. And I promised him my life, a lifetime of as much love and attention and support as he could ever want. And he cut me off in the blink of an eye, and for no real apparent reason, 'cause anything that I was doing wrong, I would have changed, or at least tried to, if he'd only told me about it.

Relationships aren't easy. Anything that means a lot, anything that is important is worth working for. Relationships take work, and I tried my best, I learned, I adapted, and I would have worked more, worked harder, worked together with him to improve what wasn't working for us. But after two years and after all I did for him, all the times I stood by him and all the love I gave him, he didn't want to bother. He took the easy way out, choosing to toss me aside like I was worthless instead of trying to work things out.

I still hope he'll come back someday, when he realizes what he threw away. But for now, I've got to keep looking for my bricks and putting them back together again.