(no subject)
Aug. 2nd, 2005 03:07 amTonight, I experienced the worst feeling I've ever had.
I made this stupid, offhand joke, and it touched a nerve with Joe, and despite my abject apologies, he was really upset and actually decided to leave, upset to the point that he just wanted to go home.
As he got into his car, I walked back to the swing, and my mind was chaos. I was in such pain, thinking I'd lost him and so unbelievably pissed off at myself for hurting him and driving him away with one stupid remark. I didn't even know what to do. I laid down in the swing, curling up into a ball and trying (and failing) not to cry, just so totally upset, pained, shaken, enraged at myself. It was the worst mix of helplessness and pain and sorrow and self-anger I've ever felt. I just wanted to die.
And then, he came back. He forgave me, and it was alright. We survived.
I made this stupid, offhand joke, and it touched a nerve with Joe, and despite my abject apologies, he was really upset and actually decided to leave, upset to the point that he just wanted to go home.
As he got into his car, I walked back to the swing, and my mind was chaos. I was in such pain, thinking I'd lost him and so unbelievably pissed off at myself for hurting him and driving him away with one stupid remark. I didn't even know what to do. I laid down in the swing, curling up into a ball and trying (and failing) not to cry, just so totally upset, pained, shaken, enraged at myself. It was the worst mix of helplessness and pain and sorrow and self-anger I've ever felt. I just wanted to die.
And then, he came back. He forgave me, and it was alright. We survived.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}