Them

I think I've officially made the transition from Christian to not-Christian at this point. Today was Easter, and I found myself entirely comfortable thinking about Them, the Christians, Their holiday, the day when They believe a guy named Jesus rose from the dead, the most important holiday for Them -- Them, not Me. Sometimes in the past, I've included myself in such statements out of habit, but not anymore. This is good, the breaking of old habits, when they're habitual lies, really.

Of course, I still haven't actually told anybody aside from online, as far as my family or co-workers or whatever. I probably should do that at some point, at least tell my family. I know I'm going to end up with a mess, though. My mom probably won't be bothered, but I remember when my dad and I got in that fight about conservatism/libertarianism, and I think this will be a hundred times worse. He's not hugely religious, not a Bible-thumper, but he firmly believes that you need to believe in God and Jesus, and I think it would just push him off the deep end if I told him I don't. I really am not in any hurry to see that happen. It's kinda like at work -- I don't have a need to bring it up, so I don't. I heard them talking today about Easter, talking with that usual Christian assumption that everybody's Christian, and I didn't bother to correct them, to point out that I'm really not, because what purpose would that serve?

I just go along, quietly. I accept my candy graciously, I stare at the table and contemplate nothing but the food while my dad says grace, and I eat ham, and life goes on. I guess it's kinda like being in the closet, in a way, when you think about it, the idea of being different from the majority and not wanting to say anything. But I'm not proud of being not Christian. Nor am I ashamed. I just am. It doesn't define me. I don't really think about it very much at all, except around the holidays everybody else is celebrating. It just comes down to Christmas and Easter, really. Christmas I still feel I can celebrate with a clear conscience, because I celebrate it as the secular holiday it has partly become -- I use it as an occasion to celebrate family and home, to show people how much I appreciate them by giving them gifts and make merry about the snow. Easter, well, I don't really have a way to celebrate that, and I don't. I am the recipient of holiday foods, and I accept them, because they are still good food, but they really don't have much relation to Jesus anyway, ham and chocolate. Hell, I don't think the parents even went to church this morning.

It's nice to have a night job sometimes, when you're an atheist who doesn't want to rock the boat. I haven't been to church with the family in years. When I first started working at the paper, I got Christmas Eve off so I could go to church with them at least once a year, but I quickly gave that up, realizing that I didn't really want to go. I used to love the candlelight service, but I realized that last year that the only reason I enjoyed it was because I got a chance to sing songs I knew really well and could sing harmonies along with a bunch of other people who knew the songs, too. I didn't believe any of what I was singing, though, or any of the other stuff in the service -- it felt fake, being there, celebrating the birth of someone who, to me, was no big deal. So now I take Christmas off instead, so I get to spend the day with my family and don't have to go to church. They don't wake me up for Easter morning, either, 'cause they know I don't do mornings, I'll just sleep through it. Though as I said, I don't think they went today, either. I haven't been to church in about two years, I think. I don't intend to go again, either. One of these days, I'll write to them and have them take my name off the membership register. I'm hesitant to do that, too, though, just in case it gets back to my parents somehow. I'd really like to find a new church, a new faith of some sort that I could tell them I've converted to. I'm not sure if such a thing exists, though.