(no subject)

I failed at life so much today.

I'm just so useless.

I mean, I sit at my desk all day, and I hardly do anything, especially on Saturday -- I do nothing, screw off, because there's nothing to do. It doesn't seem to bother anyone else, 'cause they know I don't have any work to do, but I feel lazy. I want to be doing something -- I want to work, to contribute, earn my paycheck. But there is no work to do a lot of the time.

Then today, after spending a huge chunk of my day doing nothing and wondering why and feeling guilty for having nothing to do, I was given a story to write a hed for, but it was a one-column lede story, meaning that pretty much nothing would fit in the space, and the person laying out the page would not accept making the column a little wider as an option. I must've spent an hour on that damn headline, and what I came up with still sucked, and he ended up changing it into something that looked worse and was smaller 'cause he wanted a word in there that dammit, it just wasn't gonna fit. So when I had one significant thing to do today, I screwed it up. Useless.

I found myself wondering what the hell I'm doing there. Why are they paying me? Am I even cut out for this at all? Is it like stealing, if I'm there and getting paid but not doing any work (or doing it well)? I feel like I'm not pulling my weight, but the truth is that I'm pulling what I can get the best I can -- they just don't have much weight to give me. I feel like a waste of space sitting there, though, a useless waste of oxygen. I had a hard time not crying at work today, 'cause I just feel so useless a lot of the time, and it's frustrating just to sit there, and I feel guilty 'cause I'm not doing more when there isn't more to do.

Hopefully, this will change. Training is a week away, and then, I'll be able to paginate, so that'll be something else I can contribute, at least.

Measure in love

Our one-year anniversary is coming up, late Monday night/early Tuesday morning (we officially got together at like 1 in the morning -- we're celebrating Monday). Tonight, in fact, is the anniversary of that fateful IM conversation when he asked me out. The whole idea just blew my mind so much that I asked if I could think about it and took the next day to process it.

Wow. This has been one hell of a year.

A year ago, if someone had told me that I'd be celebrating a year with Joe as my boyfriend and thinking long-term, knowing that we'll marry someday, I would've laughed at them. I mean, I was honestly clueless -- I had no idea he was even interested in me. I never did really learn what you're supposed to be looking for from a guy when he's flirting and not just being friendly -- after all, I wasn't looking for a guy anyway, convinced that I was just gonna end up single forever.

And yet, here I am. This has been the happiest, most wonderful year of my life. I've learned so much about love and about happiness. I've experienced joy on holidays that always brought me nothing but pain and depression -- Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve, both celebrations this year, for once, and for always, now, from now on. I've learned to let go, to trust another person and not be afraid to rely on them, rather than always feeling like I needed to have my barriers up and be independent. And he's helped me so much as far as my emotional development, supporting me through my self-loathing fits and working hard to convince me that I'm just as good as anyone else, that I'm smart, that I'm even attractive, incredible as that seems. I'm not totally there yet, but I've gained a lot of confidence in a year, drawing strength from him as I work out my issues, knowing he'll always be there to pick me up when I fall.

It's just unbelievable. It's like winning the lottery or something... I never thought it would happen to me. I didn't really even know what love was, and now, I'm in love with a wonderful man, and he's in love with me, and we get to celebrate the passing of the first of many years together.