There's a remake of "We Are the World" out now, and, well, who the hell are these people? A lot of the power of the original was that they got a whole bunch of huge stars in a room together for this one song. But seriously, who the hell are the people in this video?
I decided to make a game of it. So here we go, in order, spot the "celebrities" (Wanna play along? Watch here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Glny4jSciVI
1. Some little boy.
2. Two black chicks. The one on the right might be Jenifer Hudson, that "Idol" chick, but I don't watch "Idol" so I can't be sure.
3. Is that Melissa Etheridge? It sure sounds like her, but the hair's funky.
4. A dead-eyed Muppet. I'm pretty sure this is Josh Groban, actually. But holy crap, I never noticed how creepy his eyes are.
5. Tony Bennett? Wtf? But hey, at least he's a legitimate celebrity people know, the first real star in this damn thing.
6. Uh... one of those black chicks who went to prison. Lil Kim, maybe, I think?
7. Michael Jackson, spliced in from the old video. This is a little creepy, too.
8. ... and Janet Jackson, okay, another legitimate (and alive) star.
9. Barbra Streisand?? Again, an odd choice, but at least she's an actual star. This makes three legitimate stars so far who are actually alive. (This is also the part of the video where I wonder why some people can't use headphones correctly. What, afraid to mess up your hair or something?)
10. Some little girl. Maybe they should've put her with the random little boy who started this thing.
11. There are five people in this shot, but only one of them sings and that one not for long. None of these five people are recognizable.
12. Jamie Foxx? How do we count him as a legitimate singing star? Uh, we don't. And there's some dude next to him, and I don't know who he is, either.
13. Pretty sure this is Wyclef. Also pretty sure he's butchering the shit out of the melody. Dude, shut up. (Also, he's not exactly a huge star, either, but I guess since he's Haitian, it's alright.)
14. The dude from Maroon 5. (At least I recognized who he was, but Bruce Springsteen he's not.)
15. Pink, I think? I'm used to seeing her with colored hair, but I'm pretty sure that's Pink.
16. Some black dude.
17. A repeat of Michael Jackson footage, then... pretty sure from the ridiculously large sunglasses this is Kanye West. (He's no Bruce Springsteen either.)
18. Celine Dion. Weird to see her after all of these random other people, but alright, she counts as a legitimate star (not one I LIKE, but hey). And Lionel Richie beside her, I think. Surely, he counts.
19. Brief shot of some blonde chick with a guitar.
20. Some dark-haired chick in unreasonably large shades, so even if I DID know her, I certainly can't tell behind those stupid sunglasses.
21. Hey, it's Quincy Jones!
22. Oh, a crowd shot, let's see.... Celine Dion, a bunch of black chicks I don't know, some blonde...
23. ... a brief solo of some dark-haired chick I don't know...
24. ... back to a crowd of nobodies, and Tony Bennett, and.... I feel like I should know that black chick in the front. Gladys Knight? Whoever she is, I'll count her as a star, 'cause I know she's one of those older chicks who earned their fame decades ago (and now we've started to forget her, apparently).
25. Goddamn, who ARE these people? Another crowd shot, and other than Celine Dion again, and dead-eyed Muppet Groban in the back, they're all total strangers. Not a single Kenny Rogers or Bono or Cyndi Lauper in the bunch. (OK, nobody cares about Lauper now -- but she was HUGE back then.)
26. A different young kid than the first random young kid, but still nobody super-famous.
27. Is that Randy Jackson in the front? Since when is he a singer? I thought he was just a label guy and "Idol" judge.
28. That dark-haired chick from before again, and again, no clue who she is.
29. Pan the crowd of random nobodies again...
30. ... and now, some black chick and some bald white dude. Moby? Nah, doesn't look quite like Moby.
31. Hey, wait a minute, was that Neil Young? *rewinds* Maybe? And some other white-haired white dude, and I'm not sure who he is, either. (Just so you don't think it's only the young people I don't recognize...)
32. More random black chicks.
33. Sweet jesus... I think that's Lil Wayne, and it's nice to see that he's so damned untalented that he wouldn't even do a CHARITY song without the damned Auto-Tune. What a no-talent douchebag.
34. Don Henley? Is that Don Henley in the back? I think he was in the original. Or it's Jeff Bridges, which would make no damn sense. Unless he's the token white dude actor who's not really a singer. (See also: Dan Aykroyd.)
35. Two black chicks I don't know.
36. Some black dude I also don't know.
37. Again with the blonde chick who apparently can't sing, but she can make token gestures with a guitar.
38. Chick with the giant ugly shades again. Is that Fergie? Maybe.
39. Some other asshole with Auto-Tune.
40. Oh, SONUVABITCH, Jamie Foxx! You are NOT Ray Charles! Just 'cause Ray Charles is dead and he was in the original does NOT mean you have to trot out that same damn impression again! Give it a rest!
41. Oh, shit. They've decided to throw in a rap. There was no rap section in the original. Also, I have no damn clue who any of these people are.
42. Wait, I think that one guy on the end is will.i.am. Okay, there's one person in this whole damn section who's recognizable, and he's pretty much just a member of a band, not an actual stand-alone star.
43. Hey wait, I take that back. I think that's Snoop Dogg in the middle.
44. Wyclef, shut the hell up, you suck! Tremolo is NOT made for people like you! It's made for female opera singers! You, on the other hand, sound like someone's drowning a cat or something.
45. All the random people... who the hell are you people, and where are the real celebrities?